Hard Joy

The twins are now over a month. Time is flying and I'm worried that in 5 years I won't be able to remember what my life was like when I first had these little boys. I had a friend with twins tell me that the first year of her twin's life is a complete blur because they were in survival mode. She said at least she had the pictures to prove that it actually happened. I decided I wanted more than just pictures, but also a memory of what I learned in the first month of having twins and how it is shaping me as a mother and a person.

In no particular order, here are the top 10 things I have learned this month with twins...

10. You will eat your own words. 

The things that I said I would never buy because they were a waste of money, I realized I needed when I had two babies. That ginormous nursing pillow called "my brest friend" really has become my best friend. It is absolutely necessary to tandem feed twins. The other lifesaver has been the double bottle warmer. These boys take bottles great (hallelujah!) and the bottle warmer heats up breastmilk to perfection so much faster and easier than running it under hot water.

9. You can never have enough of anything.

My friends threw me a diaper shower before the boys were born and I had a closet full of diapers sitting there waiting to be used. I thought I had plenty of newborn diapers to get me through the first month. Turns out I should have planned on at least triple what I had. I mean I knew I would go through a lot of diapers but...wow...just wow. That pretty much goes for everything too...burp cloths, onesies, binki's...you name it!

One night of diapers. For reals.

8. Recovery from a C-section is...different.

I had my other 5 kids vaginally. These boys had to be a C-section because Chap was breech and Tenny was transverse. After I had my other babies I was up and taking a shower as soon as my epidural wore off. I felt great! It was weird to have to "take it easy" and not do anything for a while this time around. I realized if I did too much I usually regretted it with a sore incision. I learned my lesson a few days during the first month when I overdid it, like helping to undecorate the Christmas tree. I am now back to running and feeling somewhat normal, but it took three times as long as my other deliveries. I learned to be patient and listen to my body.

7. You'll mix them up and compare them.

Tenny and Chap are unquestionably fraternal twins. They are both made from different Anderson molds but I still get them mixed up all of the time. I also try not to compare them to one another, but I always do. I will admit that there are some days that Tenny is my favorite and other days that Chap is (usually it is whoever makes it the longest at night). They are two totally different babies with different temperaments, and I love that. I always wished that I could compare my kids as babies next to each other because I forget what they were like. It has been fun to see them change side by side. 

6.  Some advice holds true.

I've had lots of baby advice since I started having kids, but the best piece of advice I got from other twin moms was to keep them on the same schedule. When one baby wakes up, I wake the other one up. I feed them, dress them, and change their diapers at the same time. This has been a game changer. By keeping them on the same schedule I feel like I am feeding one baby (with my incredible nursing pillow) and then only burping, diapering, and dressing two. Feedings take about 30-40 minutes with diaper changes and then we are good to go for another 2.5 hours until the next one. I think this is the reason I have been able to keep my sanity. It's usually Chapman who initiates the feedings, but Tennyson has never objected to being woken up to eat. Thank heavens there is usually only one crying for attention at a time.

5. You'll love your spouse more than ever.

With my other kids, Shad didn't get up to help with nighttime feedings at all. I was nursing them and could handle feeding them on my own so there wasn't any point in having him be tired the next day too. I did feel some resentment that he could get a full nights sleep and I had to get up night after night, but I don't know what he could have done to help.
However, with twins having his help at night has been vital. I did a few nights on my own with him out of town and it took me an extra 20 minutes to burp and change diapers at 3am. I realized the next day how much I appreciated those extra 20 minutes of sleep. We developed a great system in the first month. We had a baby on either side of the bed in a pack in play so we could tell which one was crying. He handed me my nursing pillow and the babies (when I couldn't move from the C-section), I nursed them, handed over the faster feeder, he burped and changed, and then I handed him the other to change while I topped the first one off and he would put them both back down when I was done. Right now they are only waking up once to feed at 3am but even as brand new babies they only did two nightime feedings at the most.
I have treasured those 3am feedings with my husband. We have had some great conversations, funny experiences (especially with Alexa chiming in randomly), and endure the tiredness together the next day. I didn't realize that twins would strengthen my marriage as much as it has. I really do love this man.

4. You won't care about sharing twin germs.

I wondered how it would work with two babies. How would I keep one from getting sick when the other one is sick? They are constantly sharing wet burp cloths, blankets, binkies and feedings on mom. Turns out there really is no way to avoid it, unless you are super anal about it, and who has time for that with 7 kids? Chapman got a cold first at a week old and then Tennyson got it a few days later followed by Chapman getting sick again for a few days. They both had a cough and goopy eyes. I suspect this will be the norm for them growing up, especially with five other kids in the house. I gave up one week into it trying to keep designated bottles, binkies, and blankets. Usually, it's whatever I can grab right in front of me fast.

3. Getting out of the house will make you feel human.

I think I realized this with all of my other babies, but I was reminded more than ever with these boys that taking a shower, putting on makeup, and getting out of the house makes me feel human again and keep me from getting depressed. It's easy to get stir crazy during winter and I think it's even worse when you are at home feeding babies all day. I took every opportunity to get out of the house, even if it was just to go grocery shopping or pick up books from the library. I was really grateful to have my sister in law and my mom here for the first three weeks so I could get out without the babies. We even went to a movie when the babies were a week old thanks to my sister in law. It made me feel like I wasn't attached to those babies and had at least some freedom.

2. You will never regret accepting help. 

After I had the twins I decided that I was going to accept ANY and ALL help that people offered. I figured that they wouldn't offer it if they didn't want to do it. This decision was probably the reason I survived the first month.

We are so blessed where we live to have such great friends and church family that would do anything for us. In the first month, I think I made a total of 10 meals. People would randomly drop by and bring meals, gifts, groceries, and diapers. I had a large box of newborn diapers, but after the first week, I was completely out. A friend asked if she could pick anything up and I told her diapers and few produce items. She came with two bags of groceries and two big boxes of diapers and wouldn't accept a dime. We really were so blessed and I felt like the more help I accepted, the more willing people were to give it. If I would have constantly said "no" I wouldn't have given then the opportunity to serve and I wouldn't have reaped the benefit of their service.

Having my sister in law and my mom here was also invaluable. I feel like I really thrived the first month because they were here helping. I didn't do any dishes or laundry while they were here and could focus fully on the babies. I also felt comforted that my other kids weren't being neglected and were taken care of.

I also had no idea how much I was going to rely on my older kids to help. Haken and Jack have been my lifelines when the babies just want to be held and my other kids require my attention.

1. You'll understand hard joy.

I had a friend with twins describe having twins as "Hard Joy." I now know what she meant. It has been hard, so hard, but these little boys have also brought so much joy. In the first month the "joy" has outweighed the "hard" and made all of the sleepless nights worth it. I'm sure it's going to get harder but I also know that the joy will get even better too. I had no idea that I could love two babies at the same time so completely and equally, but it is totally possible. I feel stretched thin, but my heart is also so full. I never feel caught up and there are a lot of things I am neglecting right now. However, I know how quickly babies grow up and I just want to sit and hold them while they are tiny and still making those squeaky baby noises. It just does not last very long.

My mom gave me a saying for my wall that completely describes what I feel. It says "If you think my hands are full, you should see my heart." I see it every time I walk down my stairs and I am reminded of how full my heart really is.

33 Weeks!

Tomorrow will mark 33 weeks for this pregnancy. I looked at the calendar and started to kind of freak out as we are really getting down to the last 3-4 weeks. I'm really trying hard to get everything in place for when the babies get here and for Christmas.

Last week I had my 32 week appointment. From now on they will be weekly appointments.

On the ultrasound the babies looked great however... Baby A is still breech. This is a problem as he really needs to be head down in order for me to even try to deliver vaginally. Baby B is transverse but it doesn't really matter what position he is in. I can deliver him vaginally as long as Baby A is head down since he is closest to the cervix.

So...when I went to my doctor appointment after the ultrasound we talked about what our options are. Basically she said at this point there is a 95% chance that they are stuck where they are and aren't going to turn. They are just too big and run into one another so it doesn't happen very often. Although I have heard of a few cases of it happening as late as 36 weeks in a twin pregnancy. The babies are already both over 4 lbs so that would be a lot of baby to maneuver around in there. When I found out how big they were I thought "no wonder I am getting so uncomfortable! I have over 8 lbs of baby in there already!"

The doctor said that a C-section was inevitable with these babies. I am kind of bummed as I really wanted to avoid that. I heard that the recovery is harder, especially when you are trying to nurse and have to deal with recovering from a surgery. However, it is not the end of the world. I just try to keep telling myself that I really just want healthy babies so if that is what we need to do then I will do it.

However, since we are going to be having a C-section that also means these babies and myself might be more at risk and the Gibson City hospital might not be the best place for us to be. It would really stink if the babies got shipped off to Carle hospital 30 minutes away and I was stuck at Gibson City recovering from a C-section.

So, with this news Shad and I decided we better start looking into what it would cost to deliver at Carle. We called the financial aid office and it turns out that the last time I looked into the cost was when we were delivering 1 baby. Now that we have 2 babies coming, instead of only qualifying for 50% financial aid, we now qualify for 100% financial aid like we did with Ruby. Gibson City was offering us 90% so that is one of the reasons we went up there.

When we found this out we were so excited as Carle at 50% is still outrageous and more than we could afford. 100% is a huge tender mercy and we are so grateful that we qualify. Shad makes just a little under what the threshold is for 100%. Next year with his raise we may not qualify, but at least we qualify right now when we need it the most. I am really sad to leave Gibson City though as I LOVE Dr. Austman and her team. Their care is on such personal level compared to Carle. I know the nurses by name and I feel so comfortable with them. I was also really excited about delivering at a smaller hospital as that has always been a better experience for us. But ultimately I also wanted to have healthy babies and since Gibson City does not have a NICU we need to switch over to do what is right for the babies as well.

I feel so bad leaving Gibson City clinic as I did this exact thing with them when I had Ruby because we qualified for financial assistance with them as well. I knew it would be a hard thing for me so I asked him to come to my appointment with me today. I felt a little bit emotional about it as we told them our situation and what we had decided. They totally understood but I told Shad that I felt like I was breaking up with a good friend that I would never see again. They had discovered the twins and helped me this far along and I was very happy with the care that I received.

The nurse switched my records over today and I have an appointment with a PA at Carle on Monday afternoon and then another with the Dr. the following week. I had 3 doctors to choose from and I had only heard of the name of one of them but I couldn't remember where I had heard of him. When I looked up his picture I realized that he looked familiar. I think he was the one who ended up delivering Ruby because our Dr. was signing on a house that morning. So I guess Dr. Hennesay will be delivering the twins if all goes as planned. Although you never know what you are going to get when you go with Carle. It could be a doctor that you have never seen before.

Most likely the twins will go to the NICU because they have one there and they like to have them all checked out, but I am just glad that is an option now and hope they will come healthy and not have to be in there for very long.

Just a few more short weeks and we will meet these little boys. I am anxious to be done with the diabetes diet, although my doctor said that my blood sugar is very well controlled. I do try to do low carb most of the time, but I have had a few days where I cheat a little. I am really trying to see what I can and can not eat. It's interesting that there are some things like white bread, cookies, and candy that send my blood sugar skyrocketing and then other carbs like potatoes, wheat bread, and ice cream that don't do that much at all. It is still important that I eat carbs, just in small doses, so I am trying to stick to that, even though sometimes all I want is a cookie or candy.

I am still sleeping really well except for the 2 times every night that I have to get up to go pee. However, I fall right back asleep afterward so that is a blessing. I do get really sore by the end of the day and I am pretty tired, but I am surprised at how much energy I still have. I try to do some form of work out every day. I alternate between a prenatal workout video, walking on the treadmill, and walking in the field house with my friends. I'm tired by the end of the day when I go out with my friends so those days stretch me a little bit more.

The twin nursing pillow Jennifer Jenson and Monica
gave me. It is pretty amazing and huge.

I haven't really gained any weight in the last month, but the babies have which is what we want I guess with my gestational diabetes. I guess the lack of weight gain is probably due to my diet. At first, I always felt hungry but now I am starting to learn what snacks I can eat to keep myself full in between meals. I'm kind of getting sick of salads though. I feel like I eat the same things over and over again.

Just a few more weeks. I keep telling myself "just keep swimming." The end is definitely in sight!

Mommy Vacation

When I became a mom I knew it would be a 24 hour job. I was not surprised when I had to give up most all of my free time to take care of my kids and husband. I love it, despite the sacrifices I have had to make. Some of my hobbies and projects have taken a back burner, while others have really flourished since becoming a mom. Luckily most of my hobbies (cooking, sewing, organizing) tie in nicely with taking care of my family. However, I think every mom deserves a break from the most demanding job in the world. Because I live where I work, the only way to really take a break was to get away from it all. Here's a little background as to why I chose to vacation where I did...

My SIL Nicole and I developed a unique relationship when she came to live with us for a summer when Haken was a year old. Her husband was finishing up school and they were kind of in limbo for a few months until they moved to Arizona. That summer we became "Sister Wives" and did everything together. Yes, we did get frustrated with each other more than once but after that summer we became the best of friends. I guess you could say that our relationship "went through the fire." Living with someone for an extended period of time definitely tests your relationship and we came out better for it, so I guess that must mean it is going to last. I constantly think that maybe I married Shad for my sister in laws. They are all such amazing women and we get along so well.

So, after that background story, you will know why I booked a plane ticket to Arizona to spend a week with her free of kids (or at least the two that don't rely on my milk supply right now). Nicole and I had talked about visiting each other like this many times but it just didn't seem practical to me...until they started doing cheap flights to Arizona back in September. When I saw that you could fly down there for $120 roundtrip, I knew I had to make it a priority to go. I made a little money making curtains and decided it was now or never. I really second guessed myself a few times thinking about how selfish I would be doing this, but after a really hard day with the kids I pushed the "Book it" button and never looked back. 

It was a great relaxing vacation. We didn't do much, or go anywhere, but we didn't have to. The fact is that I didn't have kids needing me every two seconds. It was a little refreshing not to hear "mommy" 100 times a day. Actually I did, but I wasn't the mommy, and that was the important part. I love my boys, and by the end of the week I was missing hearing their little voices saying "mommy," but the break was nice. It may not be something that I get to do all of the time but I am grateful for all of the people who did my job during the week (my friends, mom, and Shad) so that I could have a little "mommy vacation." 

*It was also really nice to be able to give my little girl some undivided attention and be reminded what it is like to have just one child again.

Waiting for our plane. She did awesome on the plane and won
 the hearts of every person on there. Can you blame them?

You wouldn't know that these two are only about 3 months apart

The girls 

I wasn't the greatest picture taker. I wish I would have gotten some of Nicole and I. My only excuse is that I was on vacation...I guess that included a vacation from photographer as well.

The last night I borrowed a car and made my way down to Tucson to visit my brother and SIL. They took us to an AMAZING crazy nice Mexican restaurant in downtown Tucson called "Cafe Poco Cosa".  They have 12 different plates you can choose from that are different every night. If you want to be adventurous you can let the chef pic three entrees that go well together and be surprised. I decided to  do that and I was not disappointed at all. Highly recommend this restaurant if you are every in that area. We also saw former senator Gabby Giffords eating while we were there. The plates looked too pretty to eat. I had to take a picture.

Megan's plate

My plate

We went back to their place, completely stuffed, and spent a nice evening laughing our heads off chatting. I sure do miss having them close to us all of the time. They felt bad that they didn't have a crib for Gracie to sleep in, but we made due with what they had, a trunk that Megan found at a yard sale (a.k.a Autie Megan's Pack-n-play). Megan thought I was kidding, but it worked out perfect for my little baby doll.

I know she looks freaked out, but she was really just super tired.

The entire week was fabulous! I came back rejuvenated and ready to take on my mommy role again.  I would do it every year...although Shad says I should never leave them again. Maybe next time all of the SIL's can go a vacation together without any kids or responsibilities!

Day of many Celebrations

The 24th of May was an eventful day for our family. It was my 27th birthday and Haken's preschool graduation. I was glad that I could share my day with my BIG soon-to-be kindergartener. After you get past 25 it's nice to have something to distract you from remembering how old you are getting...although having a kindergartener doesn't make me feel any younger!

Grandma and Grandpa Evans came early before the graduation and brought Haken an early birthday present....A NEW BIKE!!! He was pretty excited about it...especially the fact that it still had training wheels like his last one. We will be working on getting them off soon...

One happy little boy!

On his maiden voyage in front of the house

Jack had to test it out for himself.

Before the graduation we enjoyed a yummy Mexican dinner at "El Parral" here in town (everyone should come to visit Tremonton just to try out that place). Thanks to Grandpa for treating all of us!

The preschool program was so cute. Mrs. Francom has done such a fabulous job with Haken this year. I heard that she was good, but I didn't really realize how much Haken would learn in only a few months with her help. He also made lots of new friends with the other 9 kids in his class. I'm so glad that he was able to get into her preschool. Here are a few pictures from the graduation. I wasn't able to get a full picture of his class but we have the whole program on tape, which I am sure he will want to watch over and over again in the months to come.

Haken's class in silhouettes. They all drew their own picture too.
 Haken's is the blue one. Not too bad for a preschooler, I think!

Loved being the star of the show!

Such a grown up boy! 

With Mrs. Francom and his friend Kason who we carpooled with everyday

Proud parents

Proud Grandparents

Mr. cheeseball himself...

Silly brothers enjoying the refreshments afterwards

With friends Karen and Kason

After the graduation we headed home for some cake and presents for mommy. Shad insisted on putting 27 candles on the cake. They took quite a while to light and 3 or 4 blows to get them all out with my lack of breath-support. 

It was such a great day! I am so proud of my sweet "Haken-Bacon." He loves to learn and I'm proud to be his mommy. I'm a little scared to send him off to kindergarten in 3 months, but at least I know that he is totally ready for it!

I thought I would also throw in pictures from the first day of preschool and the day of his graduation. I didn't think the boys had changed that much until I looked at these pictures next to each other. I think they are both some of my favorite pictures. They really show just how much these boys love each other 

First day of preschool

Preschool graduation

14 Weeks

As of yesterday I am 14 weeks pregnant! This pregnancy has seemed to go by pretty fast for me. I can't believe I am already more than a third of the way through. I went and saw the Dr. two days ago and he did another ultrasound. Dr. Miller is a new Dr. for me, so I don't know if he routinely does ultrasounds every time or if it is just because of my miscarriage history, but either way, I was happy to see my little one on the screen once again. During this ultrasound I was excited that instead of looking at a blob (like on week 8) I was looking at a BABY! As I watched him/her move around like crazy and stretch out I couldn't believe that I couldn't feel anything. I'm hoping that will come soon. I felt Jack's "flutters" around 14 weeks and Haken around 16 weeks, so any day now would be good! 

The first picture is from the ultrasound this week (14 weeks). I also had to add an ultrasound that we had of Jack at 5 months because the resemblance is uncanny. Look at that little Anderson profile picture!

I am finally where I actually believe there is a baby in there. There really is no denying it when I look down at my tummy now. I'm about at the point where my belly sticks out further, if not just as much, as other various other parts of my body. This stage is so awkward to me because I don't fit into maternity clothes, but my other stuff doesn't fit right either. I am actually kind of excited to move on to maternity clothes so that I will have something new to wear that fits me. Excited for the changes that will come in the next few months!