Redo

It's 4:00 in the morning and I can't sleep. I think it's because I have a million things running through my head. I'm writing this so I can organize my thoughts and remember the feelings that I am having. Let me go back to Tuesday.

It was the 3rd day of school. Really the 2nd day for Gracie because we took her out Monday for the eclipse. She came home from school and talked about how fun it was and she really liked her teacher etc etc. That night after she went to bed I looked in her take home folder. Inside was a little paper with a stoplight on it. These are used in her classroom to let the parent know how your child did that day. Gracie had 2 green lights colored in and one yellow with the words "listening and following directions". I wasn't too surprised by her getting a yellow light for this at school because I feel like it is something she has also been struggling with at home. However, looking at that paper made me stop and think "is she really ready for kindergarten? Is she really ready to start 12+ years of continuous education?"

I never had these thoughts with my boys starting school. They were R E A D Y to go in every aspect. Reading already, making friends, just in general mature enough to tackle the game of school.

Just a day earlier I had made the comment to Shad that I had never really played make believe with Gracie. He said "really? Her make believe stories are the best. She is hilarious." I had heard her play all the time but I didn't actively play with her. I'm sure it was mommy guilt but I just couldn't shake feeling like I had really missed out on something that I would never have an opportunity to redeem. I mean she was at school or on the bus for 8 hours a day. When were we ever going to be able to fit some make believe time in again? The start of kindergarten is a new era. Everything changes. She is now expected to be a big kid. She has less time for play. When she gets home she has an hour to run around and do what she wants and then it is dinner and bedtime only so we can start all over again the next morning.

Wednesday morning I pulled her out of bed. In a dead sleep. Again. She has to catch the bus at 7:45am so we are up by 6:45am to get her out on time. Every morning she would be clinging to her blankie as I carried her tiredly downstairs after getting her dressed in a dazed stuper (which was actually kind of nice because I could dress her in whatever I wanted. That never happens). I wondered if we would actually have to do this every. Single. Morning. For the next 100+ days of kindergarten. It seemed daunting to me. That morning I sent her out to the kindergarten bus and she got on. Alone. It made my heart hurt a little knowing that all of her neighborhood friends were a year behind her and there wasn't anything I could do about it.

I came back in the house and started wondering if there really was something I could do about it. Why couldn't I delay her kindergarten year? Why am I pushing her onto the bus every morning, packing her a lunch she struggles to eat because there isn't enough time, and dealing with her emotional tired blow ups everyday after school? I played around in my mind with the thought of her having one more year with me. I felt sick about it. I didn't know if I could handle it. The thought had never crossed me before. I had gotten so used to the idea of her starting kindergarten in 2017. She is 5 and although she has a June birthday, and is a small little peanut, her preschool teachers assured me that she was ready for kindergarten. So I sent her. That is what you do at 5 yrs old. She would be one of the youngest in her class making her the last to date and drive. With all of these thoughts I just kept feeling like I was making a terrible mistake. I wondered if it was too late to fix it.

I started sending out some emails; to her old preschool to see if there were spots left and to her kindergarten teacher to see what she thought. Of course her preschool was full which was a little sad because that is where all of her friends would be. She only has one friend who started kindergarten with her his year, all of the rest of her friends would be starting next year. For some reason she really gravitates to those that are younger than her (probably due to the fact that they are her size and they don't mind her bossing them around).  I talked to Shad about it and he supported me 100% and agreed that it would be worth exploring. I talked to my mom and got her take on it, and talked to some of my best friends. Everything made sense to pull her out when I talked it through with others. She just wasn't ready.

As I was talking to my mom I got the thought to look into gymnastics for Gracie. She has always wanted to do gymnastics but it has always been too expensive and time consuming to do in addition to preschool. But. If I did it in place of preschool... I looked online and found a class three days a week in the mornings. Perfect. Expensive, but doable. That was my alternative preschool. She just needed a time to play. She needed one more year to be a kid.

 I talked to her teacher Friday afternoon who said she could go either way. She could succeed in kindergarten but she could also benefit from being held back. I talked to her principal last night,who actually agreed that there are benefits to holding kids back that don't seem ready. She commended me in listening to my gut and going with it because this is a big decision that has to be made now. Once she finishes kindergarten she can not go back, at least not for this reason alone.

We had put off doing father's blessings for school for lots of reasons. Life just didn't slow down for a while. After church we decided Shad would give all of the kids blessings. I fasted all day to help me feel at peace with this decision. To make sure it really was the right one and to help the spirit confirm it to Gracie as well. Before Gracie had her blessing we pulled her aside and talked about what we wanted to do. Her reply was "oh good, then I can stay home with my blankie". Yes little girl, you can stay home with your blankie, and play dollys, and play dough, and read books, AND play make believe with mommy. She was not mad, or sad, she was relieved. She was not ready for kindergarten. When we told her about the possibility of gymnastics she squealed with joy. I had a sigh of relief.

So here I am Monday morning. This school year will be different than I had anticipated. I will have three at home again instead of the two I was planning on. Even though that makes my life harder, I am so grateful that is the way it will be. I feel like the Lord has given me a little gift, a chance to redo a year with a new perspective. How often do we get those chances? The spirit spoke to me last week and I am being rewarded for listening to it.

I have recently been relistening to the April 2017 LDS General Conference talks in preparation for the next conference in October. This quote from Elder Rasband's talk entitled "Let the Holy Spirit Guide" stuck out to me and made me realize how crucial it is that we listen to the promptings of the spirit when they do come:

"We must be confident in our first promptings. Sometimes we rationalize; we wonder if we are feeling a spiritual impression or if it's just our own thoughts. When we began to second-guess, even third-guess, our feelings- and we all have- we are dismissing the spirit; we are questioning divine counsel. The Prophet Joseph Smith taught that if you will listen to the first promptings, you will get it right nine times out of ten."

I have more confidence than ever that the spirit will help me if I listen to the promptings that come and not dismiss them. I second guess myself in so many things but I am working on not second guessing the Holy Ghost.

I am looking at this year with all new eyes. I get to do the things with my daughter I feel like I had missed out on. I don't have to live in regret that I didn't play princesses with my daughter or read more books, or bake cookies together. I have a chance to really make it count and I am determined to make this our best year yet even if it means that my bathrooms are never clean or the laundry sits unfolded. My little peanut and I are going to enjoy her last year of freedom.

This was taken on Gracie's first-first day of Kindergarten

Surprising Grandma

At the beginning of July my friend Monica had her sister come out to visit her from Utah. She drove across the country, by herself, with her 5 kids that are similar ages to to my kids. It got me thinking if I would ever dare do that on my own. I was feeling a longing to see my family in Utah but Shad didn't have any time left for vacations this summer. We hadn't seen my mom or grandparents since Thanksgiving in November and all of my other family since spring break in 2016. I was feeling really sad that their cousins were starting to forget who my kids were and most of them hadn't even met Ruby. So, I decided to play around with the idea and see if it would work to go to Utah for the first two weeks in August. We really had nothing going on and Shad was going to be so busy getting ready for the school year that he wouldn't be home very much anyway.

So, I decided we would surprise my mom and just show up on her doorstep. It was a crazy idea, but it actually ended up being, what I think will be, one of the most memorable experiences for my kids.

We left after sacrament meeting at the YSA branch because it was earlier than our own ward. We decided to make it to Omaha on Sunday night and stay with the Applegarth's who are the coordinators there. We drove about 8.5 hours got there about 9:00pm that night. The kids actually did really great. I decided from the very beginning that we would stop every few hours and everyone would run around. I tried to find rest stops that had playgrounds or lots of grass. I would set a timer and let them run around until it went off and then we would pile back into the car (after going potty of course). I also had surprises I would pull out every few hours when I could tell they needed something new. They were small things like a movie to watch, a treat, or a little toy. I was most surprised at how well Ruby did. She had her moments, but for the most part she was very pleasant and we only had a few suckers end up stuck all over her blanket by the end.

A nice lady at Arby's gave us kids meal toys even though we didn't buy kids meals.

It made my kids night and gave them something to play with for a while.

When we were eating dinner in Iowa on Sunday night I was worried that we had given away our location. My mom tried to facetime us and I thought it was because she had seen our location on friend finder. Turns out she doesn't even know what that is, she just wanted to talk to us. I didn't answer but I text her back and told her we would be at a friends house that night so we couldn't talk, but we could talk for FHE the next night.

She tried to call us again when we were about 30 minutes away from her house but I didn't answer. As we were getting off the freeway Haken said that this was the most excited he has ever been in his whole life! We got there at about 9:30pm. She had no idea we were coming and she was in complete shock.

We did a facebook live video of us surprising her, and so far it has 2,800 views! It turned out perfectly. She didn't suspect a thing and was shocked to see us. I was worried she was going to think something was fishy.

We stayed for two weeks. I had arranged for my mom to have some time off from the bridal store and on the days that she worked we went and hung out with some friends and the Anderson cousins.

I'm not very good at remembered the order of the events but here are some of the things that we did on our trip:

I had my cousin Amy's daughter Hallie watch the kids and I had a girls night out doing a painting class with my mom, Jenni, Megan, and Lisa. It was a little out of my comfort zone, but a lot of fun. Afterwards we got cheesecake at Cheesecake factory and ate it at Megan's house.

Finished product. I love how every one is just a little bit different.

Painting buddies! I kept comparing mine to hers.

I was dying when I saw Megan's face on this picture!

We went up to Grandma G.G.'s house and hung out after dinner. We hung out and had popscicles and rootbeer floats, which also resulted in a needed bath in Grandma's sink. After Benny saw Ruby in there, he starting taking his shirt off saying he needed a bath too.

We did school shopping with Grandma at Station Park in Farmington and had lunch.

We took Megan's dogs and her girls (Annie and Alia) to the Tanner dog park in Salt Lake city. It was fun to be with cousins again that we hadn't seen in a long time. The kids got really dirty and sweaty and loved every minute of it. It was actually quite the hike up afterwards. The downhill wasn't too bad. 

We also stayed the night at Brandon and Megan's new house in Murray and went to Wheeler Farm with them. Grandma even treated the kids to a ride in the "cow train." Afterwards we went and had lunch at a great burger and shake place (now I can't remember the name.) We hung out at their house afterwards and the kids played in the sprinklers....with a box. Not sure whose bright idea that was. It was a really hot day so it was nice to cool off.

Checking out Annie's bird Sammy

We had an afternoon with the Anderson cousins that were close. This was really only 3 families together (+Annie). I can't imagine what next summer is going to be like when we get all 6 of the Anderson families together. 25 cousins together is going to be madness! I'm always suprised at how well they get along and pick up right where they left off even when they don't see eachother for a year at a time.

We spent a day at Cam and Lisa's new house in Saratoga Springs. They have a neighborhood pool. The kids had a blast there. This is the first time that Ruby has met Ruthie. 

Lisa was the baby whisperer and put Ruby to sleep in the pool

Grandma was the best in the pool with all of kids.

We went up to North Ogden and met up with our northern Utah friends. I couldn't believe how many showed up! We had friends that we haven't seen in years! The Burnhams, Mickelsons, Hardy's, Norton's, Anderson's, and Redden's were all there. It was a great day and I think we made up half of the kids at the pool that day!

The Tremonton 8th ward crew.

Savannah became Gracie's best friend. 

Bodee and Haken. They haven't changed a bit.

Chloe and Haken. Awkward...

Janese and Emilee. Missed these girls.

We went to Lagoon with Grandma and all of the Evans cousins. They all have season passes, so they showed us which rides they like the best. We left Ruby and Benny with my cousin Amy so we didn't have to worry about them. We also brought our cousin Annie along who is living in Utah county for a while. She had never been to lagoon before! I was grateful she came because she hung out with Haken and Taylor riding all of the big rides while we took the little kids around. I rode on a few rides but I couldn't believe how sick I got after each one even after I had some motion sickness medicine! I'm not as young as I used to be! It was a long but really fun day. The kids did not want to leave.

Gracie hid during the entire ride of dracula's castle.
It's a good thing Grandma was there.

Gracie met a boy on her 20th ride on the bumper cars.
She chose to ride with him over Jack and Jack was so mad. Ha Ha!

Annie and Jack. Two peas in a pod.

One of Gracie's favorite rides. The ladybug drop.

Poor Alia was freezing after rattlesnack rapids.
It was a hot day so I was grateful to get wet.

Uncle B with his girls riding the Log flume.

Riding the screamer with Annie. This used to be
one of my favorite rides growing up. Now it just
makes me sick!

Annie's first time on the Rocket!

We went to a concert at the Brigham Young Park in Salt Lake City with Grandma and Grandpa GG. The group was Octapella.

We met up with my cousin Haylee at the park who lives in Bountiful. She just had her 4th baby. It was really fun to catch up with her and let the kids play.

Of course we did have a lot of down time at Grandma's house which meant lots of popscicles and games of monopoly!

It was an absolutely perfect (and exhausting) trip. I even enjoyed the drive out there with the 5 kids all by myself! I would do it all over again. I think the look on these kids faces and their grandparents say it all!

One of the best parts is that we kidnapped Grandma and took her home with us! She helped me drive through the night and make it back home with the kids! What a trooper! I think she is now a believer too in that being the right way to travel with kids as they sleep through the night. She stayed for the weekend and then headed home on an airplane. It was fun to get a few extra days with her, even though Benny ended up getting sick and throwing up when we got home. I was really grateful to have her there so that I could take care of him while she helped with the other kids. At least he didn't get sick on the way home!