Redo

It's 4:00 in the morning and I can't sleep. I think it's because I have a million things running through my head. I'm writing this so I can organize my thoughts and remember the feelings that I am having. Let me go back to Tuesday.

It was the 3rd day of school. Really the 2nd day for Gracie because we took her out Monday for the eclipse. She came home from school and talked about how fun it was and she really liked her teacher etc etc. That night after she went to bed I looked in her take home folder. Inside was a little paper with a stoplight on it. These are used in her classroom to let the parent know how your child did that day. Gracie had 2 green lights colored in and one yellow with the words "listening and following directions". I wasn't too surprised by her getting a yellow light for this at school because I feel like it is something she has also been struggling with at home. However, looking at that paper made me stop and think "is she really ready for kindergarten? Is she really ready to start 12+ years of continuous education?"

I never had these thoughts with my boys starting school. They were R E A D Y to go in every aspect. Reading already, making friends, just in general mature enough to tackle the game of school.

Just a day earlier I had made the comment to Shad that I had never really played make believe with Gracie. He said "really? Her make believe stories are the best. She is hilarious." I had heard her play all the time but I didn't actively play with her. I'm sure it was mommy guilt but I just couldn't shake feeling like I had really missed out on something that I would never have an opportunity to redeem. I mean she was at school or on the bus for 8 hours a day. When were we ever going to be able to fit some make believe time in again? The start of kindergarten is a new era. Everything changes. She is now expected to be a big kid. She has less time for play. When she gets home she has an hour to run around and do what she wants and then it is dinner and bedtime only so we can start all over again the next morning.

Wednesday morning I pulled her out of bed. In a dead sleep. Again. She has to catch the bus at 7:45am so we are up by 6:45am to get her out on time. Every morning she would be clinging to her blankie as I carried her tiredly downstairs after getting her dressed in a dazed stuper (which was actually kind of nice because I could dress her in whatever I wanted. That never happens). I wondered if we would actually have to do this every. Single. Morning. For the next 100+ days of kindergarten. It seemed daunting to me. That morning I sent her out to the kindergarten bus and she got on. Alone. It made my heart hurt a little knowing that all of her neighborhood friends were a year behind her and there wasn't anything I could do about it.

I came back in the house and started wondering if there really was something I could do about it. Why couldn't I delay her kindergarten year? Why am I pushing her onto the bus every morning, packing her a lunch she struggles to eat because there isn't enough time, and dealing with her emotional tired blow ups everyday after school? I played around in my mind with the thought of her having one more year with me. I felt sick about it. I didn't know if I could handle it. The thought had never crossed me before. I had gotten so used to the idea of her starting kindergarten in 2017. She is 5 and although she has a June birthday, and is a small little peanut, her preschool teachers assured me that she was ready for kindergarten. So I sent her. That is what you do at 5 yrs old. She would be one of the youngest in her class making her the last to date and drive. With all of these thoughts I just kept feeling like I was making a terrible mistake. I wondered if it was too late to fix it.

I started sending out some emails; to her old preschool to see if there were spots left and to her kindergarten teacher to see what she thought. Of course her preschool was full which was a little sad because that is where all of her friends would be. She only has one friend who started kindergarten with her his year, all of the rest of her friends would be starting next year. For some reason she really gravitates to those that are younger than her (probably due to the fact that they are her size and they don't mind her bossing them around).  I talked to Shad about it and he supported me 100% and agreed that it would be worth exploring. I talked to my mom and got her take on it, and talked to some of my best friends. Everything made sense to pull her out when I talked it through with others. She just wasn't ready.

As I was talking to my mom I got the thought to look into gymnastics for Gracie. She has always wanted to do gymnastics but it has always been too expensive and time consuming to do in addition to preschool. But. If I did it in place of preschool... I looked online and found a class three days a week in the mornings. Perfect. Expensive, but doable. That was my alternative preschool. She just needed a time to play. She needed one more year to be a kid.

 I talked to her teacher Friday afternoon who said she could go either way. She could succeed in kindergarten but she could also benefit from being held back. I talked to her principal last night,who actually agreed that there are benefits to holding kids back that don't seem ready. She commended me in listening to my gut and going with it because this is a big decision that has to be made now. Once she finishes kindergarten she can not go back, at least not for this reason alone.

We had put off doing father's blessings for school for lots of reasons. Life just didn't slow down for a while. After church we decided Shad would give all of the kids blessings. I fasted all day to help me feel at peace with this decision. To make sure it really was the right one and to help the spirit confirm it to Gracie as well. Before Gracie had her blessing we pulled her aside and talked about what we wanted to do. Her reply was "oh good, then I can stay home with my blankie". Yes little girl, you can stay home with your blankie, and play dollys, and play dough, and read books, AND play make believe with mommy. She was not mad, or sad, she was relieved. She was not ready for kindergarten. When we told her about the possibility of gymnastics she squealed with joy. I had a sigh of relief.

So here I am Monday morning. This school year will be different than I had anticipated. I will have three at home again instead of the two I was planning on. Even though that makes my life harder, I am so grateful that is the way it will be. I feel like the Lord has given me a little gift, a chance to redo a year with a new perspective. How often do we get those chances? The spirit spoke to me last week and I am being rewarded for listening to it.

I have recently been relistening to the April 2017 LDS General Conference talks in preparation for the next conference in October. This quote from Elder Rasband's talk entitled "Let the Holy Spirit Guide" stuck out to me and made me realize how crucial it is that we listen to the promptings of the spirit when they do come:

"We must be confident in our first promptings. Sometimes we rationalize; we wonder if we are feeling a spiritual impression or if it's just our own thoughts. When we began to second-guess, even third-guess, our feelings- and we all have- we are dismissing the spirit; we are questioning divine counsel. The Prophet Joseph Smith taught that if you will listen to the first promptings, you will get it right nine times out of ten."

I have more confidence than ever that the spirit will help me if I listen to the promptings that come and not dismiss them. I second guess myself in so many things but I am working on not second guessing the Holy Ghost.

I am looking at this year with all new eyes. I get to do the things with my daughter I feel like I had missed out on. I don't have to live in regret that I didn't play princesses with my daughter or read more books, or bake cookies together. I have a chance to really make it count and I am determined to make this our best year yet even if it means that my bathrooms are never clean or the laundry sits unfolded. My little peanut and I are going to enjoy her last year of freedom.

This was taken on Gracie's first-first day of Kindergarten